AAAAAHHHH. THIS. THIS. SERIOUSLY, THIS.
i’ve honestly never seen someone explain the process of depression, that slow downward spiral that i never realized until too late with such amazing clarity (and humor! well. i found it funny.) it uses simple words and examples and comparisons.
or maybe i’m just biased, since this speaks so clearly to me. the sensations are pretty much spot on, in my case. this was what it was like for me. and i was even more of an idiot, since i took years to really really do something about it. and i’m still in the process of getting feelings back. of just feeling better about myself and things in general.
and, i mean, it is hard talking about it to someone. it seems like i’m never speaking the right words and then i get confused and anxious about what i’m talking about (‘they look confused, am i doing it right? i’m not doing it right. why did i even fucking bother what the fuck.’) which does nothing to generate understanding for whoever i’m explaining it to.
i feel uncomfortable talking about it at all, and ashamed i was depressed when everyone else seemed fine with dealing with their own problems. embarrassed too, i guess. i’m not quite there on the ‘asking for help doesn’t mean weakness. emotional vulnerability doesn’t mean you’re completely incapable of taking care of yourself. it doesn’t mean you’re less of a person.’
it’s just. that numbness. or that detachment and ‘i don’t give a fuck about anything and don’t feel shit’ made me feel like i wasn’t really human. that i must have stumbled and lost my way there somewhere. a very big part of me was lost to me, and that scared me, and i didn’t know how to get it back when i wanted to get it back.
i once described it as being in a desert, where there’s nothing but the bland color of sand, the sky is so pale it’s white, and all the little things that made up my life were the tiny grains of sand under my feet. inconsequential and easy to swipe away. everything was equally unimportant — school, friends, my fucking thesis, etc. no single grain of sand stood out more than the rest. they were all the same, so tiny i could barely see them individually.
it’s been an experience. i guess. i personally don’t think it’s easy, getting ‘better’ and all, but it’s amazing to be able to be ‘happy’ and ‘excited’ and ‘anticipatory’ and when i’m moving forward, it’s not like walking miserably slowly through a swamp full of alligators or something, not knowing how big the swamp is and how far i’ll have to walk to get out.